


to throw fuel on the fire

by Ekuhisu



Series: Chengyu [1]
Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Don’t take this too seriously it’s just my weird ass headcanon, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Manga Spoilers, pay attention to this last one RIN, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:07:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27120179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ekuhisu/pseuds/Ekuhisu
Summary: Renzo thinks he hates his family. Renzo thinks he hates Takezo.Or火上加油
Relationships: Miwa Konekomaru & Shima Renzou & Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji, Shima Renzou & Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji
Series: Chengyu [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979699
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	to throw fuel on the fire

**Author's Note:**

> Back at it again with more Shima angst.
> 
> Sorry if the Shima family is a bit more intense... I know. I’m just venting, taking it out on poor Renzo:(
> 
> —and his family.

The demon is staring at him again. 

Renzo wants to cut off his ears, crawl out his skin. He wants to jump into someone else’s and never be himself again. 

Because he hates himself.

He couldn’t see it; but, he could feel its presence behind him, all around him. When the demon speaks he can feel the hot breath on his ear, but he sees nothing. Or maybe his lack of sight is due to the locked door and shuttered windows enclosing him in total darkness. 

His father had told him that the demon only appears by his will; that it can’t harm him without his consent. Renzo’s not sure he believes him. He shakes with fear as this resentment and distrust worms it’s way into his heart. 

Renzo curls closer to himself, as if disappearing would protect him. However the problem lies with himself, so perhaps he should just die. 

If he were to die, the demon would be passed to someone else. He would be free. 

He smiles to himself at the thought. No more painful training or yelling or disappointment. His father wouldn’t close him in small places and tell him to stop being afraid of the dark. Because Takezo was never afraid. Takezo was brave and kind and bright. And they’d never let him forget that his life belongs to a boy he’d never met, because he’ll never be the brother Juuzou wants, the son his father wants. 

He’s a coward.

He sobs quietly and covers his ears as if it would block the voice of the one tied to his body. 

“ _Please stop, Yamantaka_.”

…

_It’s frustrating, isn’t it?_

Renzo shivers. He tries to keep his hands steady. He knows if he moves too much Juuzou will notice. 

Renzo’s hands rest one over the other in his lap. Juuzou holds the same position. 

Renzo rather dislikes meditation. His legs and shoulders ache afterward and Juuzou’s constant assurances that he’ll get used to it annoy him more. Why did he have to meditate? Other kids his age were out playing, not memorizing fatal verses and scripture.

Renzo has to fight the urge to run. Every day he dreams of it, being born into a world with no responsibilities. Renzo thinks he’ll give up anything to be free. But isn’t that unrealistic?

_It’s frustrating, isn’t it?_

He grits his teeth, barely able to keep his breathing steady. No matter how far he runs, as long as he lives he will be connected to the Shima family. Yamantaka will always be a part of him. Perhaps he should take off his skin and rid himself of this infernal blood.

It’s these revelations which send him into bouts of despair in which he thinks death is the only option. But he can’t, he won’t, because he hopes for freedom. And he won’t stop until he attains it.

…

_“You’re all good kids!” The boy smiles with unparalleled warmth. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”_

Renzo’s dreamt of this boy for 13 consecutive nights. A kid with the same face as him possessing the same horrific leech coating his face and hands.

Renzo’s had this same dream for 13 consecutive nights. A kid with a fate far different than him, an end which caused the misfortune of himself. And yet Renzo can’t help but envy him.

When Renzo startles awake that night his body is enveloped by warmth, so much that he’s sweating. He panics for a moment, this feeling of restriction all too familiar by a hard, unforgiving body.

Long arms curl around his back as his face is further smooshed into his chest, though not in a way meant to cause harm or punishment. Renzo stops his flailing to look up at the face which holds him.

His older brother. 

Then, he can’t help but feel at ease. Despite their disparities, Renzo trusts his brother, he believes that Juuzou would never hurt him or do anything to cause him pain; because, they’re family.

Renzo shakes off his worries and snuggles further into the stifling heat, seeking a comfort which he seldom receives after bad dreams. He smiles to himself, thinking that Juuzou must have noticed he was having a nightmare, that he chose to come and comfort him.

Because that’s what big brothers do, right?

Juuzou makes a discomforted noise then, his arms tighten around Renzo when he mutters, “Take-nii.”

Because children should never feel like they’re not good enough.

…

“Where have you been!” Kinzou steps in front of him, all imposing. “Renzo, don’t ignore me.”

Renzo doesn’t want to respond, he doesn’t want to talk or be scolded for taking some time to himself. He wishes that Kinzou would act carefully, with a shred of intelligence, because Renzo’s struggling to keep his mind from cracking.

Renzo looks away and murmurs, “I was on a walk.”

“Speak up!”

Renzo flinches and says louder, “I was in the forest.”

Kinzou steps closer. “And look at me when I talk to you.” He says, “Do you have any idea how long we searched for you, brat?” 

Kinzou grabs Renzo by his hair, “We’ve got important things to do, other than look for your ungrateful ass.” Renzo yelps as Kinzou pulls his hair sharply. 

“Kin-nii, stop!”

Kinzou abruptly releases his hair wearing an inscrutable expression. “Whatever.” He grips Renzo’s arm yanking him forward. “Father wants to see you.”

Renzo shakes his head, _anything but that!_

He pulls and twists frantically, “W-wait, Kin-nii!” He cries desperately, “This’ll be the last time, I swear—just don’t take me to Father.”

Kinzou stops and for a moment Renzo thinks he’ll finally listen.

Kinzou doesn’t look at him when he says, “Your word means nothing to me.” He turns all nonchalant. He huffs derisively, “Why do you seem surprised?”

Then, in Latin, “You’re like the boy who cried wolf.”

…

While Renzo sleeps later that night, he doesn’t feel Gouzo’s cool hand on his forehead. Nor the way he treats him with the utmost care as he soothes his bruises and assists his passage through feverish dreams.

…

“Don’t say such foolish words, this isn’t a game!”

Renzo grins, matching Mephisto, “No, I’m being serious.” His eyelids drop low and heavy. “I want to try it out.”

His father stiffens at this. Renzo says all bright and excited as if speaking of a beloved friend, “I’ve become independent even faster than I expected!” Then he adds almost as an afterthought, “...Oh and I want to see how far I get with my current abilities.”

“Renzo…” his father looks him in the eyes, searching for something, as if he would find anything. His eyes pleading, he says, “Are you prepared to deceive the people you treasure the most for this?”

Renzo stares back at him, obturate. He smiles lazily, “Well, that’s my selling point ain’t it?”

…

It hurts, his whole body. Yamantaka put him through the ringer this time.

Renzo collapses on his bed, filthy and still in his uniform, but he knows he’ll wake before his roommates. He has to.

For now, he’ll sleep and be content with the softness underneath him. He’ll pretend that he, Bon, and Konenko, are the same.

…

With little overture, Rin burns the zombie halting his progress. Koneko and Shiemi were struggling, Shiemi due to the injury to her head. He wonders how she’ll get out of this!

Renzo can see the gears turning in Koneko’s head.

Bon thrives on the battlefield as ever.

Okumura-sensei doesn’t betray his rank as a Middle First Class exorcist.

Renzo can do nothing to help them, if he could he still wouldn’t. He’s got a job to do after all.

And they’re doing fine without him, he almost feels proud. 

Renzo knows if needed he could watch them die. 

Renzo knows he’ll give up anything to be free, but who said he’d be happy about it.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked please feel free to comment.


End file.
